Tonight's PnP session was really really good.......at the end of it....every single person in the sanctuary was on their knees....this is the first time I have attended such a PnP...

I realise now how much I miss worshipping at CGMC....it has always been my comfort zone....I am still getting used to COOS....

Tonight....was reminded again of some things......Susan mentioned about worshipping is not about US but it's about GOD !!!! We keep forgetting that and we only say that 'it's a good time of worship' only if we FEEL good......but worship is actually FOR God and if we feel goodie after that it's a BONUS !!!

Also...the reason why I haven't been raelly into the worship at COOS could be due to the fact that every Sunday when I go...I am not prepared for worship. Resolution? Go to church earlier!!!

And the song just now :
Emmanuel.........God is with us......and He shall reign.....He shall reign....He shall reign over all.....

I have been facing a lot of things and a lot of things that I need not know.....whatever that goes on....I need to remember...EMMANUEL !

Thank you Lord !!!

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Went out with JC and his friend ( forgot his name aarrgghh ) for Harry Potter today. Liked the show ... though it was a tad too long for me... :)

Peter insisted that we go out alone last night for a drink after CG...okay loh....turned out the entire 2 hours he was telling me that I don't treat him as well as I SHOULD.....that he is expecting a lot from me.....that he still encourages me although I have changed...that kinda thingy.

I am sick of all these. I really am.

Why does he have to bring up these things everytime I come home? Grrr.....

And about another thing : I now realise why I have never wanted to KNOW anything. Knowing something and yet you know that you shouldn't say them out again....it's hard.

This weekend when I go back to hall, I shall resume and be better at what I have always been doing....be IGNORANT about all hall happenings. Dont' want to give a single thought of what people thinks about what anymore....

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Phing and I cleared out the study area today. Result ? 7 boxes of old books and papers ready to be rid off, a very sneezy nose, and a whole evening down memory lane :)

Sorted out my 3 boxes of what I like to call OLD STUFF BOXES .. haha...no other names for them. One of them is full of the little momentos the kids at Min Sin gave me when I left. The other 2 has stuff ... little things here and there....from primary school up to Form 6.

Sorted out some pictures and stuff to bring over to Singapore. I love looking through old stuff once in a while...

Missing Justin a lot...................AARRGGHHH.............and watching Meteor Garden with all the lovey dovey scenes doesn't make it any better....

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15 minutes ago, Phing came into Ernie's room with her Biology notes and made this comment : You are really having a good life eh?

I replied....It IS my holiday !!

Yuppers....loving life at home now.....bumming....no obligations to study.....plain lazing around...I love it.

Ernie is really different this time....he is responding to every single thing I say and I can actually have normal conversations with him. I am going to miss him so so so so much when I have to go back to Singapore....

Went out with JC last night. He hasn't changed too much since I last talked to him....that was back during AMC days and he was still a Sam Tet debator......I was so envious....he went to so so so many places in Europe.....from what he told me last night...I am determined to go to Europe too !! It was unreal...seeing all those places you have only read of or heard of or seen a picture of...and knowing that HE was THERE.......and I want to be THERE too ! I am sucker for all those old old buildings.........riverside.....aarrgghh.......

Dad is really making it a point to make my holidaysgood....kept asking me what I wanted to eat...haha.....Going to Sitiawan later for a seafood lunch........another reason why I am going to miss Ipoh so so so so much !!

Miss Justin loads too. Love hearing his voice over the phone. Seeing him in person would be much much better of course....

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Yes it's over and I am home !!!!

Must have kissed Ernie a million times today...considering that he isn't exactly happy about being kissed and still reluctantly let me do so....yes I am conclude that I am still his favourite sister :)

Same old familiar feeling as I get home....the forever messy study desk.....the hideous desktop settings that Ernie insists on my PC despite his PC already having something as bad.......Mom's cooking.....Janice's calls.....

I kinda miss Singapore right now. Not that I want to go back now but just that.....I don't mind so much being away now.

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Ping Li pointed out something interesting : If a cat has 9 lives, I'd have lost 2 today.

*sigh*...Econs was a total mess.....I know a failure when it stares at me right at the face....and Sociology wasn't such a great paper today either.

I am going to let Mom and Dad down so so much.

Been really really happy with Justin......it's so .... surreal....and it's scary.

Cos I know it's not going to last.

Now that Sarah knows about us, it will be worse for her. She will of course assume that Justin will tell me everything and therefore will stop going to Justin for comfort and support.

I'd already taken her best friend away from her and this is one step more that I have taken.

I know what I should do. But I can't bring myself to do it.

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I'd show it if I'd cared.

We are ignoring her.

I think I truly am missing something here.

Not even angry anymore. Never have been.

Just.....

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I am so so so so screwed up.

First there is the thing with Sarah. I do not get it at all. I simply do not.

Then about Justin....what the heck am I doing here? But I love it.

Of course there are the exams. 'Nuff said.

I am screwed up.

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I haven't updated in a while.....too many things have been happening and I am just so confused.

I never thought that Justin would feel this way towards me. All this while, I thought his feelings were directed towards Sarah while I .... his comfort zone....someone he could run to.....his best friend...that's all.

Now I am so confused. I now realise that after breaking up with Peter....all I have ever wanted in a boyfriend is in Justin. But thing is, he doesn't believe in my God. And no way we can go on long term without having the same beliefs...........

Do I want to commit myself at this point? Do I want to burden him with all my emotional baggage? Am I ready?

The point being....I shouldn't be thinking of all these....we just CANNOT be together. He knows that full well.....hurts me so much to see him hurting like that. If we get together now....we will break up for sure.....and I don't want to lose him that way.

And also there is Sarah. I think she is thinking that we are lying to her. She told me before not to flirt with Justin nor to hurt him. Justin tells me I didn't.

But did I?

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Sometimes when I reflect ... just a couple of months ago we were all so happy....not exactly carefree but still so happy. Then all of a sudden all these tension began. I don't know why and still don't.

I still don't know what I can do to amend my mistakes.

But all I want is for our friendship to be like what it was. The typical girlfriend kinda scenario. Like what it was before. Like we'd tell each other everything.

Sometimes I wish that she'd read this. She has ... but it was before.

Then again, if she'd read this, it would just add unnecessary pressure on her. She doesn't need me right now and she certainly doesn't need this kinda thing from me. She doesn't need to know all these.

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I shouldn't....really shouldn't be feeling this way. All I want is for her to be happy and have someone to talk to. Now that she has Justin I should be happy. I don't have to play a role in it. I should be feeling happy. I shouldn't be feeling the stupid same old surge of jealousy that she is only going to Justin.

Darn me.

Why am I always so selfish and self centred?

And there I go again.

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It's confirmed. I know I am not wanted anymore. I am not quite that insensitive to NOT know where I am not wanted.

That led me to crying again. I don't want to cry. I don't know why I have been succumbing to tears so easily. It has to be something wrong with me. I was stronger.

Saw John and Joseph online. Feel better. These are the people whom I know will never let me down.

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Spent about an hour and a half studying Econs.

Really did focus.

It kept my mind from thinking about that.

Good.

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