|s w i r l * h e r e|
|before my head really hurts.|
Monday, September 30, 2002
This is very weird. All of a sudden Sarah is acting normal again.
I shall be patient. And continue to help her. That's the least I can do right now.
Hmm.....money problem solved :) Dad's sending me money.....I was really really touched. I thought he didn't really read my mails but to quote his email today : "Do continue sending me news about your activities in school because I love reading about it."
I want to cry. I never realised how much he was interested in what I was doing.
My emails to Dad will become an everyday affair again. :)
I am still worried about Sarah. Outwardly she seems okay but when she is online she gets all troubled again and I feel veyr helpless. I know right now God is the only person that can help her but I want to be there for her too but I keep getting the feeling of being pushed away.
I was very troubled today when all of a sudden she compared herself to me......talking stuff about me being more involved, more popular....that kinda thing. I don't see the point of comparing at all because we are all different people. I tried to explain to her but she still continued being pessimistic.
I really don't know how to help her. I feel like going up to her. But I am really really scared. I am scared that she will continue to be living in this kind of denial.
It's very very scary. She keeps saying that she doesn't like the people here. She keeps saying that she will continue to be miserable for 4 years here.
I don't see the point at all. Then again.......she is facing more stress than I am because of JCRC and all that. But to me.....if she opened up a little more.....took things one at a time........she'd feel better.
Then again it's all talk.
I am very scared.
Siewyee said one thing to me today : Sze...you are never not good enough for anyone because you were, still are and will always be good enough for Jesus.
That brightened my day :)
Sometimes I get the feeling that what I do is never as important to other people. Whatever I do...it just gets treated in a nonchalant way. Maybe I AM too excited about things.
Just makes me feel childish.
Kinda tired now......just helped out with the opening of SAW. Huaizhi got tricked by Shawn and co. into singing "Better Man" with a message proclaiming that he wanted to be touched. That guy really does have a good voice :)
Shawn has been really apologetic since he told me he couldn't make it for the emcee-ing stint. He said sorry to me quite a few times during dinner today. Told him that it was okay that Serene would be taking his place.
Oh well...at least he showed that he was interested and cared enough.
I said I was going to get over him right?
Sunday, September 29, 2002
Rather worried for Sarah. Firstly....she does not seem to be coping too well with the stress that she is facing. As in...she is coping better than she was earlier....I think....but frankly I am very worried about her eating and sleeping patterns. But.....can't do anything but to continue to nag her I suppose.
I am also quite worried about the way she thinks that things will be different now that Justin and I are so close. I suppose I can't deny that things ARE different now but we can't always dwell on the problem. The only way is to continue to pick up from where we left off....as if nothing has ever happened. Sounds kinda like escapism but I figure that's the only way to go about things........
I sound really nonchalant. Or am I just feeling helpless? Directionless would be more like it I believe.
Screwed up today...hehe.....I totally forgot about the PnP session EVC had at 3pm today. They finished during dinner time and I actually said a big hi to Grace and she didn't look very happy. I figured that she must be stressed about SAW. Then she asked me when I was going to do my board then I said...9pm. Then I left.
Just now I went to YiHui's room to do the pamphlets for SAW while Sharon and Julia were there too. They mentioned the PnP session and that Grace was actually asking where I was. Only then I realised my mistake and started to piece everything together.....aarrgghhh........cos I always make it a point to attend every EVC session !
Felt really bad. Just emailed Grace to apologise.
It's Monday tomorrow.....fresh new start again. Since I have gotten my studies in order...*sort of* ......
Hmm.....today was like a typical Sunday in Ipoh....:)
Woke up went for service and was with Jenna and the rest. Then went for lunch and then had dessert at NYDC. It was like back in Ipoh......laughing at JooLee's Canto which never seems to improve.....eating and eating.....joking........it was like eating lunch at Bee Gaik and then moving on to Secret Recipe for dessert. Hehe.....just that we have moved to Singapore now.
Strangely, Keng Kiat and I have become closer since we have come here. Before.....well probably because I was mainly with Peter and was closer to Kevin and Joseph.....Kiat and I were never close. But then since coming here.....it's relaly nice to see him around.....cos he was one of our bunch........:)\
Aarrgghh....Jenna is going for the Don Moen concert tonight. Feel like going too. But.....better stay in and do work :) Plus have to do EVC stuff tonight. Gotta have priorities....they are working.....I am not........have to keep reminding myself of that :)
Saturday, September 28, 2002
Kinda tired right now. But don't exactly want to sleep.
Went out with JooLee, JooLian, Bernard and Jenna today. Loved spending time with the girls....Bernard.....he has always treated me like an underaged kid that doesn't deserve a second glance. Seriously, if not because of JooLian I doubt that we'd be greeting each other at all. No wonder Peter and the other guys are always so against him. Oh well......JooLee and JooLian and Bernard had to leave earlier.....apparently there are some probs between their brother and his wife......his baby is with the in-laws kinda thing.......so they wanted to go off earlier to see the baby and have dinner with their brother.
So Jenna and I walked around....shopping for things to buy for Peter and co. Bought Spiderman stuff for David and Darryl, T shirts for Peter and Angie, and a realy really really adorable little white embroidered white dress for Hannah.
I can't wait to see Hannah.....
I have always loved spending time with Jenna. Although she is so much more older than me she never makes me feel that way. We had a good time today.....I am so glad to have people like she and Keng Kiat around. Paul and Keng Kiat and Jenna and Kheong Sen and Anny and the kids are going to be here for Christmas. I don't think I'd feel so bad about missing Christmas in CGMC after all ...
Friday, September 27, 2002
I thought I wasn't serious about this crush.
I still don't think I am serious. He is not my ideal at all.I don't know him well enough.
Then why the ache?
This is the first time I am doing something like this....getting people to buy tickets from me. It's like....previously for AMC's Open Days.....I hardly had to sell tickets....people would come up to me to ask for them. Oh well......I sure hope that I can sell off the 5 tickets for the DP bash......shouldn't be too hard I figure.....
Too bad everyone's busy tonight. Really wanted to watch Simone.....even Huaizhi is not free....*sigh*....oh well....
Jin Cherng is in Milan now waiting to go to Paris. That lucky fellow.........
Gotta go shower and start studying........
I am back !!!!
Been out since 9am this morning......rainy days weren't meant for people to venture out !! They are meant for ME to snuggle up in woolly sweaters with hot drinks and a novel in bed! The only time I'd every venture out on a rainy day voluntarily and with full of joy would be .... errr.....if I had a dear to accompany me? Hehe....
Okay so I went for MINDS service this morning....helped them prepare for a jumble sale and got myself 2 scarves and a little dress for Sophia-Joy....all for 2 bucks :) Pretty proud of meself :)
Then went to IMM.......walked there from the MRT in the rain.....and it wasn't a drizzle. Kinda stupid.....forgot about the shuttle service that they had. Oh well.....learnt something new today. So I got there and got Pete's stuff. Freezing cold though......rain and air-con simply don't mix.....*DUH*.......
Then went to the MINDS center again to get artwork and photos for the board decoration on Sunday night. Now I appreciate Puok Yuee fully totally .... being coordinator isn't as easy as I thought....people call you at all sorts of hours to ask stuff and send you emails that you are not quite sure how to answer. Oh well......:) I admire people like Grace and Sharon too.....whoa.....
Went to the IMM Watson's.....shouldn't have walked in......the teddy was too adorable ! It's just right to snuggle up to.....hmm.....will get it.....when I have the money......the price was quite worth it but it's not the kind of money that I should be spending.....oh well....might get a big one like that when I go home....though it'd be more expensive.
Might as well just get over the idea :)
Sitting at my desk now is good. I am so glad that I have not been as stressed as I was some weeks before. God has really granted me the peace that I needed. Sarah says I haven't been through the worst that is why I still love hall. Maybe I really haven't been through the worst. I have lots of work from school and ECA coming my way but strangely I don't feel the pressure anymore as I take it one by one and finish it. Then again....all these is really nothing compared to what she is going through. What can I do but to thank God for protecting me and to pray for her right now right?
I foresee that I'll continue to love being in hall......I am too kaepoh to NOT be involved in stuff and I thank God that the things that I am involved in now are all things that I truly enjoy doing :)
Thursday, September 26, 2002
Hopeless romantic.....how apt could it be....
It's 6:15 am now. I just woke up.
Slept before midnight...been a long time since I have done that. And that made me wake up that early.
Feeling very serene now.
Went for the elderly Mooncake Festival Celebration. Had a goodie time there. As I have said....I love the feeling of being with the EVC people :)
Then Johnson and I rushed back for drama. I love drama practices and Eugene has realy opened my eyes to a lot of things. I have started to learn to identify my emotions and to present it out....to be more confident.....and this is only the 2nd practice !
So I had dinner at 11pm. But tonight is nice. Being alone in my room is nice :) Xing Yu just borrowed my Econs text.....meant to continue studying.....oh well.....she doesn't have the book ...... I'll just resume with History or....that book :)
I hate the smell of the tar road after a rainy day.
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
Suddenly thought of this song which I loved :
But the Chinese words don't show up here.
It's "Xiang Xin Ai" by Andy Hui. I loved the chorus.
This part contains so much love and promise. I'd feel hugely selfish if someone came up to me with this.
Then again.......how many people are like that these days. Everyone expects something in return. Why?
It's very weird.
It's very very sunny now but 10 minutes ago a sudden downpour came which lasted for about 2 minutes.
A tiny little thing that I should admit to myself openly in writing.
Now that everyone is either pairing up or being interested in someone......I do feel left out from that scene. Seriously, at this point I cannot see myself getting attached....the feeling is still too scary and getting into a relationship is a huge responsibility.
But knowing that someone is interested in you is nice. Though it's not so nice for the other party.
There. That's how selfish I am. Oh well. Thank God this is not true.
Slept till 11am this morning. Was dead tired the night before.
Not that I did much....was just Clementi for CG stuff....meeting Johnny......signing the thingy.....lecture.....emceeing for the MAF...and then CG....I have been through longer days !! Afterwhich I was talking to Chenfei....and then Justin. I am really glad now that the weight has been lifted off him. I know how it feels to have a misunderstanding solved. Possibly one of the best feelings in the world and you feel momentarily that you could FLY.
Okay. I exaggerate.
Been thinking a bit about what Jesslyn, Rebekah and Cindee said to me the other night. I think I'll stop going for CAMPUS. I admit I am going mainly cos of the music....reminds me so much of MYF back home. I should concentrate more on my personal worship. I do feel more strongly towards going to COOS cos I really do receive from the weekly sermons. And I also feel that God might be speaking something to me by allowing me to see a church that has so much going on for the special people. Besides, having Keng Kiat and Jenna around provides me with familiar ground....especially Kiat who is constantly checking on my spiritual walk. Which is good. I need Christian friends like that around.
The feeling of loneliness is creeping back. I can sense it. Not so much of missing home. Sarah is mostly on her own these days. For Justin....he needs to do his work and well....this is a period of time when he should be mending his relationship with Sarah. Boon and co......well seriously I can only click well with Boon and Sarah-Anne.
I suppose this feeling stems from the fact that I feel everyone is busy but me. Why? Is there something wrong with me that I am feeling so calm these days? Then again, the prayer meeting we had on Sunday night really did refresh me and set me all prepared for everything.
So I should be thanking God that I am not as stressed as I was before.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
And to think I posted that right after I said I wanted to do things logically.
I think I have some stuff pented up inside me. Not too sure what is it though.
I don't know why.
Just felt like screaming. But I can't.
Sociology test today was.....not really sure how to describe it.....as in I know the technical terms and the definitions and all that....thing is I am not too sure whether I answered the questions correctly. Ugh.
By the way I did quite a silly thing yesterday. 2 months ago when we were at Sentosa, he told me about Hearts in Atlantis, a book that he really really liked and encouraged me to read it. I checked the book out of the library yesterday.
Yes I like him. But I don't want him.
I like this evening. No meetings. No activities to attend. Wei Chieh asked me to go for the Law 4 production tonight as he had an extra ticket. As tempted as I was....I was just too lazy to move my butt. Oh well :)
I said I wanted to get everything sorted out this week. For starters, I am thinking straight these days. As in I don't think silly things and I think I am a lot more rational these days. Feeling a bit more postive.
Monday, September 23, 2002
Been having quite a good time catching up with Wei Chien lately. I remember how it was when we were younger....we always seemed like the odd ones out.....with Jiayi, Kristina, Wei Loon and the older bunch always together. Jiawei and the rest were always together too cos they were younger. We always ended up accompanying each other but I don't think I liked him that much back then. Remember the way Yuan and I used to hate his guts :)
But as we have grown up....Wei Chien ain't too bad after all. Sort of lost the arrogance he used to have.
He was joking about how he'd ask me out if we were in the same geographical place right now. Jin Cherng was saying the same thing. That stupid lucky guy is on a European tour now. Arrgghh.
I love catching up with them. As in...getting to know them in a new way. Used to know them when we were younger but now...we are all different but our past still holds us together :)
Just finished doing some revision with Johnson. He is a really good person to study with cos he really does know his stuff and constantly challenges you.
I did my readings for Sociology.....not quite sure about the test tomorrow....as in I HAVE studied but not sure whether I'd know how to apply them.
Oh well. As Johnson said, I have done my best.
I don't know why everyone is so boggled down with assignments and tests and term papers and I am not.
Lemme see.....Chinese .... just finished the project.....Sociology....test tomorrow....Literature...just finished my essay......SS....tests ..... Econs....a test coming up.
Maybe it's because my stuff are all nicely spaced out. Thank You God !!
Handed in my Lit essay this evening. I feel a little funny. Not as tensed about it as I was the last time. Then again, I don't think I did so great a job.
Am I slowly becoming complacent? I hope not. That's the last thing I would ever want to be.
Talking to him now. The first time we had a conversation which wasn't funny. Just talking about him. I am going to log off soon. I don't want to let him know me too well.....lest his impression on me becomes bad.
Sunday, September 22, 2002
Oh yeah and Justin reminded me of this:
Last night as I said we were looking at people playing with lanterns and candles and sparklers, Justin ran off to get us each a sparkler from a bunch of people....it was really relaly really fun......took my mind off a lot of other things. It was like going back into my childhood.....feeling like a kid....which isn't a bad idea after all.
The sparklers were really pretty.......with little stars coming off it.....a little like 'liu sing'....darn.....don't remember what it's called in English......shooting stars I think......it was really really pretty. I did kind of wish they'd last forever, but I suppose I'd get bored of it. See how spoilt I am?
Thanks Justin......I think I'll keep a packet of sparklers in my room next time so I can play with it whenever I am down.
Feeling very refreshed right now. Had a prayer meeting with Cindee, Jesslyn and Rebekah. It was really a good time of sharing and just focussing on God.
In hall, I don't think it's so much of spending time with God and all that. As in.....ish what am I trying to say. Just focussing on God helps so so much.
I have lots to do but I know God's by my side and it makes me feel less pressured and light. Makes me more able to feel for others too.
I know God is by each and every single one of us. If I persist in sticking my nose into where I am not supposed to, I suppose I am questioning God's strength in helping Sarah. So as I have promised Sarah, I am not going to interfere and make myself a nuisance anymore. I shall be there to support as she wanted to. And to pray for her.
I believe that is what being a good friend is all about. Respecting the other's decision. Which I always fail to do miserably.
That's why I am a self centered person. YES I AM WORKING ON THIS PROBLEM EVERYDAY !!!! I am still trying to cut down the number of "I" that I keep saying. That's my first step. Which I still fail.
Tomorrow is a fresh new day with no mistakes in it yet. I am going to start the new week with a zeal to be a better person.
Had a nice night last night.
Brought Justin to CAMPUS at the Rock, then we went for dinner and then dessert and then to the Esplanade and later Clifford Pier. Only then I realised how much I needed to get out of the four walls of my room and campus. I was totally astounded with the beauty of my surroundings and I couldn't help exclaiming. Especially at Esplanade and the Fullerton Hotel area....a lot of people were playing with lanterns and candles and sparklers.....I loved the atmosphere so so much !!
I am a sucker for places as such. My future boyfriend had better be equipped with knowledge of such places in Singapore.
Justin commented that I have been acting very very differently for the past week. I think so too. Mainly cos I am quite angry for myself for procrastinating all the time. As in, I have a lot to study and all that but I am not doing it. Deliberately. I shall turn over a new leaf.
And also...there's him whom I refuse to think about but still persist on doing so. *sigh*
Then came back and hung out with Jacques with a bottle of wine and playing with Faber. She is getting really really hyper !!
Then today had a nice lunch with Sian Boon. As I have always said, I love that girl for her honesty and all that :)
Friday, September 20, 2002
I had a lot of fun tonight. :)
My Sociology group ( have to mention them.....Johnson, Denise, Valerie and Yuqi ) went to Newtown Hawker Centre today to do our project on breaking the norms of society. We were all dressed up to the nines, especially Johnson who was decked in the choir suit which I borrowed from Chris Khoo :)
Anyway, Johnson was our pseudo-butler while we sat down at the table laid with a tablecloth, nice cutlery, wine glasses ( thanks to Jacques ! )......and ordered soft drinks and fishballs !
It was a total scream as people just literally stopped whatever they were doing and STARED and GAPED at us. People from other stalls actually came over to see us. Men seated at stalls about 10 metres away were staring at us throughout. Plus we got funny attention like this hawker from the beverage stall who actually came up to us offering us a bottle of red wine.
I love university. Gives you an excuse to go out and do crazy stuff like these ...
But I felt strangely lethargic after the whole thing.
Should be studying for the Sociology test and doing my Lit essay.
Instead I was attempting the jigsaw puzzle ( shall continue when I get a better surface for it.... ) and fell asleep.
I shall not procrastinate. I shall do the essay.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
Paid phone bill. Keeping fingers crossed for the money from the loan to come through real real soon.
Talking to Chung Han on ICQ now. He asked me whether I had lunch yet. This is the time when I so wish I was at home. Cos on ICQ when he asked me that question....the natural response would be .... no...come and pick me up now !!
But now Han can't pick me up anymore.
I miss home.
Very hungry now. Seriously, ever since I came back from Ipoh, something's been wrong with my body. I can't sleep right, I can't eat right. Didn't have dinner today cos surprisingly the lunch that I had filled me for about 8-9 hours. And now at 12am I am freakingly hungry.
Need my food. Will get later.
A lot of things are on my mind. Financial problems.....I never wanted to face them but they are staring me at the face now. I need to find some resources somewhere......I can't ask Dad for more money......that and also to seriously control my spending.
The fact is I don't even know what are the things that are on my mind. Too much. And doesn't even include HIM. I still think I am bothering him all the time. Shall seriously start to ignore him.
Anyway........need to get my life seriously organised and straightened out.
Monday, September 16, 2002
I still feel funny. And it's not only my stomach that feels funny now.
Apparently it wasn't coffee that made me numb all over and feel nauseous. Cos I didn't have coffee at all today and I feel the exact things now. This makes me unable to sleep. Which I should be doing as I am supposed to wake Sarah and Justin up for breakkie.
Ugh. Let me sleep please.
But I really do feel funny.
Please don't let me be sick. Not at a time like this......
Oh yeah forgot one thing.
Received an email from Shuze Chow today....was soo soo happy !! I haven't seen him since....gosh...since I was in Form 5....
Probably going to meet up with him this weekend.....yaya :)
I feel funny now.
What happened was that I developed a headache during Lit lecture today.......made funny things in my notes....darn.....will have to borrow Pinter notes from Ming Hui soon.
So came back and slept for 2 blessed hours....woke up 8 something ... managed only to eat half my dinner......then went for dance class.....
And now I feel funny.
Sunday, September 15, 2002
It's 4:33am and I am still up. Just have been getting into the bad habit of sleeping unusually 'early' and waking up early as well. Thing is I KNOW it's not good for me but....just can't sleep.
Sometimes there is just so much going on in your mind....that you feel that there is so much that you need to do......that you just want to go aarrgghhh
Then when you write down specifically WHAT exactly you have to do....it doesn't seem so much after all.
I can't even organise my mind properly.....how am I going to organise my whole screwed-up life?
It's at this kinda time when I miss the massages Peter used to give me. They were really relaxing and I'd be all ready to face whatever stress that would come.
I don't miss him. I just miss the feeling of being loved. But there is no one for me to love that way that I used to. And it's going to be a long hard journey before I do. But I still miss that feeling.
I am soo tired.
Been slacking too much and this week is really really going to KILL me big big time.
I have a total of 8 bazaar slots to fill. Which I shouldn't really be complaining about since the Marketting Comm people have loads more.
Then again, there is still the Chinese tutorial to do....the tests to prepare for.
Other comm activities to do.
Did I take on too much?
Then again it keeps me from thinking too much...which is good.
Saturday, September 14, 2002
Feeling a little .... cramped...
Which is totally ironic cos I have had a huge room to myself since I came back from Ipoh.
Then again I am not talking about physical space.
More of....I have a lot in my mind...not too sure what exactly is that......but studies are for sure in them......I really really have to study hard.
I think that's why I organise my wardrobe and my study desk when I am stressed out. It's because I can't organise my mind properly and I needed to do something to feel useful and organised.
Is it PMS or is there a need for me to cry right now?
Thursday, September 12, 2002
I am beginning to identify with Wei Chieh's nick -- Whirlwind -- cos that's what I feel I have been going through for the last couple of days ...
Lemme see......Justin came over to Ipoh on Tuesday night and he met up with Jan, Pang, Mun Yip and Pete. As expected, Pete was quite wary of him......cos what happened earlier that day was that I was out with him....he started on and on about how we could end up together in the future and that he missed me and stuff. I told him very directly that there is zilch hope for the both of us anymore.
Anyway.....Sian Boon, Sarah-anne and Sharon came over on Wedneday noon. Mom took them out for lunch and stuff and we went shopping......I was the one who bought the most again.......aarrgghhh......
To cut the story short we attempted 3 rounds of supper that night but couldn't make it cos the girls concussed at the backseat of my car....Justin and I had to take 3rd round which was Salam....in the house...while I was on the phone with Pete. Oh well...
So we came back to hall yesterday. Had the DnD bash last night. Which wasn't really fun and it wasn't because of people getting drunk and all that.
I really wanted to get just a little high last night. Had never had that feeling before. And I sort of felt the need within me to. Downed about 3-4 drinks I think. But couldn't. And plus the music sucked. Plus no space to dance.
I need a night of good clubbing somewhere.
Monday, September 09, 2002
It really really was like the old times today ....
Mom woke me up to go to Polo Ground at 7:30am....Okie loh........hmm.....I think I am more fit compared to what I was before I left for Singapore. I couldn't make it through half the round without stopping to walk ..... now I am doing 2 rounds with no problems.....goodie good.....but I AM putting back the weight I lost leh....
Then met up with Yuan....talk talk talk like mad at the usual South coffee shop....hehe
Then went out shopping with Mom in the afternoon....like those June days before I left......bought a pair of heels, 2 dresses and a pair of shorts. I can't seem to stop shopping. I doubt I'd ever will....
The goodie part was going out with Janice and Siewyee tonight. We went to this boutique in Greentown and then Parade.....bought a pair of Levi's there.......it was like the old times....where we'll just talk crazy stuff...laugh like mad....then would go over to Pang's office and talk talk talk crazy things again....then went yumcha at YeOlde's.......
I miss this lifestyle though it's highly unproductive :)
Sunday, September 08, 2002
It feels so so so so GOOD to be HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ernie got a shock of hislife when he opened his eyes and saw me yesterday. To him, I am a sort of Santa Claus figure....no thanks to Mom who keeps telling him that he is only allowed to do this and that when Tacheh is back.....hmmm.....but he is talking so much now that it is fascinating !
I love this kid so much.
I am actually quite disappointed that I didn't get to meet up with Nisha, Puy Jean and Pei Ling. Nisha left for KL this morning, Puy Jean and Ling having finals.........I miss them so so much !! Nish says she'd be in Singapore end of the month....really really hope that I can see her then .....
At least I met up with the usual crowd.....Jan...Pang...Mun Yip...Jennifer....Darren...Siewyee....Cheryl...Susan...Daniel.....the youths....
Had a good time catching up with Janice today....although we talk online everyday !! Actually went to the saloon together to get our hair cut and highlighted.....it was the first time for Janice....so fun !! My hair is reddish now......quite normal looking .... nothing extraordinary ....
Will see Yuan tomorrow....I am going to miss her so much when she is in India......
Oh yeah and I haven't seen Chung Han.....
There are so many that I wanna see.....why is everybody leaving Ipoh?????
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
Had some catching up with Boon tonight over supper. That girl....the first question she was like.....'girl...how's your love life?'
Zilch. that's what it is and that was what I told her.
I do miss the feeling of being loved these days. Yeah I still tell God everything and I try to rely on Him as much as I want. Hate to say this but I am actually missing those days when Pete was with me....those better times......as in I could just go to him and cry and let him hold me.
Now when I am stressed out or angry or sad.......Pete isn't there anymore. Not that I want him back......I suppose I just want to be loved again.
But I know too well that it's not a time for me to start anything. Not that anyone wants to start anything with me :) Thing is....I don't know.....I just don't trust guys enough to give love anymore.......it's like.....you'll never know what will turn out in the end. I just am so sick of the whole game.
Anyway back to Boon....I love that girl for her bluntness and her reliability. We had a good time of catching up.......Jacques has a kitten called Faber...she is ADORABLE !!
I think I am being a rotten friend to Sarah.....she is going through so much and I can't help. But at least I know she'll go to Justin for help and to talk to. That's better. Hate to admit but I feel jealous at times.....that I am always the last to know what's going on with her. Then again, she doesn't have an obligation to tell me things first-hand........I did the wrong thing in the first place anyway. This is the price I have to pay I guess.
When things go wrong I just want to go home. There is no place to cry here.....
Sounds gloomy eh. That's how I am feeling these days. But in the daytime when I see people, it's just an automatic mode in me to be cheery and all that. I just want to make people feel happier and cheerier.
I really feel I am doing everything wrong here. I messed up with friends. I am messing up my schoolwork. And I really hope I don't mess up ECA. I suppose Pete was right when he used to say I could never do anything right.
Watched ' A Streetcar Named Desire' this morning at the library. The whole film wasn't exactly like the play but it was still quite close. Marlon Brando was SO SO CUTE !
Darn.....I am gushing over an old man.....
Going for Chinese lect.....ugh......
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
Gosh I feel tired now. Really. Probably due to the fact that I think that I might be falling sick. Ugh....not now when I am about to go home !!
Interviewed people from MINDS and also had our first culture comm meeting tonight. Will be really busy now. Phew...
Oh yeah and about the history test....I totally blanked out. Thank God one question was based on a videoclip that we watched on the spot. Think everyone attempted that question ... hehe......shouldn't get ZERO but won't do well either. Oh well......gotta work harder !!
Monday, September 02, 2002
Okie I am done .... joining of ECA has to come to a nice big full stop. Right now, I am vice-head of the Culture Committee, MINDS coordinator for EVC, member of the Drama Corps, Dance cast member and also attached to the Ridge.
How did I get myself into all these?
I foresee myself to be hugely busy and anti social now. Aarrgghh....
Have a history test this afternoon. I am flunking it for sure.
When all the administrative matters of all these activities settle down, I have to catch up so so badly ! Already told Fung Ching that I'll be applying to change to a single room next semester. With all the work that I have taken on, I think it's more convenient for me to have a single room.
But one resolution I have kept to is to wake up early enough for breakfast every morning. I no longer stay up late just for the sake of staying up late. Shall do that no more. I feel more fresh in the morning like that. Never mind that I'll conk out in the afternoon. I'll just sleep in between my meetings with Pujing and the Lifestyle desk.
Hmm.....can't wait to go home. Sian Boon, Sharon and Sarah-Anne will be visiting me next Wednesday....it's going to be so fun ! Justin was supposed to join them but he has very important choir practices coming up in the hols. That can't be helped. Oh well :) I am now thinking whether I want to come back in time for the Eusoff bash...as in come back with the girls......Nah...as much as I want to attend the bash....I think I want to stay home a little more...will prolly come back on the Saturday.....to put things in order.......
Sunday, September 01, 2002
I attended '5 stones' yesterday.... a special Sunday school class for children with learning disabilities such as autism, developmental problems and aspersia.... hope that I got it right.....it was really encouraging to see a whole family turning up to join the group......with Ernie being like that.....I know how important it is to have family support all the time. They run it in a very different way compared to the groups in Ipoh. One thing about these children is that they are not like normal kids and it's not possible at this point to ask them to explore their creativity. But here they kept encouraging the kids to have 'their own choices' and not to influence them with our adult decisions. Thing is...they really are not too sure what is exactly going on. But I am going to continue helping out in this group. :)
Feel a little overwhelmed these days with the amount of schoolwork and activities that i have. Like right now, my Monday - Wednesday nights are filled for this week. I like being busy and all that though.....keeps me away from thinking nonsense......keeps me from feeling lonely.
Yeah.....that's how I feel at times....lonely....it's one thing to have a lot of friends but I don't know why....the feeling does kick in at times. Then again, this is my own fault cos I don't care enough for people. I am not sensitve enough to people's needs. This has been one area that I wanted to work on that God has impressed upon my life before. Cannot continue being this self-centred and selfish.
And I really do feel the need for a single room right now. It's not that I can't get along well with Fung Ching but the privacy that I need at night is soooo important to me. She hasn't been around these few nights so I have been spending some really good time being alone in the room ... then again it's too big to be cosy. Don't know whether I'd have enough points to get a single room next semester??
Today's sermon really caught me..... really it did. The pastor was preaching from Mark 5:21-34........ about how this woman who had been bleeding for the past 12 years....how she is considered a social outcast....and everyone was surounding Jesus....she just touched him....and was healed.....Jesus turned around to ask who touched him.....cos He knew......then released her for the faith she had in Him.
What the pastor said really struck me. The bleeding this woman has is like the various problems we have.....health problems....emotional...whatever. This woman has been spending 12 year of time and money looking around for physicians to heal her but they were all in vain. When we have problems we go to doctors...we go to people....to try to 'fix' our problems. Then the woman touched Jesus and was healed........the first person we need to turn to is Jesus !! As in.....as he said today.......just the physical connection to Jesus can help us....and I keep forgetting it. God told me before not to take too much upon myself....to give it all to him........
So I have to make it a mental note.......when I am overwhelmed....God is there for me.....
part time nerd
part time bimbotic shopaholic
Last 10And so it is.
Cos I am already sick of NIE canteen food
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When shall we three meet again?
books actually-- great books at low, low prices!
PhotosRandom Hall Stuff 02-03
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